Just a Scared Little Schoolboy
by Sami Lee
Summary: James makes a feeble attempt to crush his own ego and win over Lily's heart...


Ok, Disclaimer: Characters all (C) JK Rowling. The plot is actually (C) to Sebastian and his friend Chella, they were RPing and this came out (hence the reason the paragraphs alternate between the two characters), I fixed it up and he asked me to post it. So here it is. Enjoy.

* * *

"Did you see that catch?!" Sirius exclaimed, mimicking James' dive as he caught the snitch. "It was awesome!" James was glowing, but he was keeping his mouth shut, he didn't need to brag with the whole of Gryffindor doing it for him. He beamed as Remus agreed with Sirius and they headed over to the couches and tables where several of them had put the butter beer they had fetched from Hogsmede earlier that week. He sighed contentedly and slumped into a chair, butter beer in hand surrounded by his friends.  
  
Lily's interest in Quidditch had never been high. But nevertheless, she'd resigned herself to sitting in the common room, listening to the festive goings on around here as she immersed herself in the novel she'd been trying to read for days. Trying, of course, because she never could get a minute to herself between James' advances and the homework that was piling up. Sighing, she lifted her hand and bushed her hair back out of her face, tucking it behind her ear.  
  
James noticed Lily sitting alone on the far side of the common room, she was reading a book, though she didn't seem to be enjoying herself. James couldn't decide whether it was the book she didn't like, or the noise around her. He thought it was probably the latter. He sighed, not wanting to go over to her right after a quidditch game, he knew how much she hated it when she thought he was using quidditch to impress her. Instead he sat, his content, happy exterior slightly faltering as he though about Lily and how his futile attempts to impress her would probably never amount to anything.  
  
Coming across a particularly dull paragraph about halfway down the page in the book that was resting in her lap, she groaned internally and rolled her eyes. This was proving to be a flagrant misuse of her precious time. Glancing up from the not-quite-engaging writing on the page, she saw James, sitting in a chair opposite hers on the other side of the room, now apparently minus his arrogant, ecstatic front. Again, she rolled her eyes and allowed them to drop back to the page before her.  
  
James drank his butter beer in silence. The others were still talking about the game, but he just didn't want to anymore. All he could think about was the angel sitting opposite him. He put the mug of butter beer down on the table before him. "I'm gonna go work on some potions homework." the other three boys looked at him quizzically but said nothing. James went upstairs to fetch his books and came back downstairs now wearing jeans and a blue hooded sloppy joe, the same colour as his eyes. He chose a corner void of other people and set to work on his essay.  
  
Lily was growing more and more impatient by the moment. The book was dull, it was too dark to go for a walk, and her Potions essay was calling her. She didn't want to do that either. Closing the book she leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes, attempting to think of something to do. She could go and find another book. One that didn't bother her so much. Although, she didn't have anything that she hadn't read a thousand times. Or at least, seemingly so.  
  
James couldn't concentrate on his essay. Instead he found himself writing nothing but Lily's name over and over again. Why was this getting to him so much? He could have any girls he wanted, Gryffindor or other. He sighed. He didn't want any other girl. He wanted Lily. He didn't want to go and talk to her, though, the last thing he wanted to do was piss her off, so instead, he sat and wrote nothings on his piece of parchment, trying to think of a way he could talk to Lily without making her mad, nothing was coming to mind, he decided to risk watching her for a while, and looked up from his parchment and over across the room.  
  
Looking around the room, glaring at random things as though they were the cause of her undying boredom, her eyes finally come to rest on James Potter, who was - yet again - staring at her. "Yes, Potter?" she said rather stiffly. As she moved to shift her weight in the chair, her dark red hair fell in to her eyes again. Slowly she brushed it back and averted her gaze from James'.

James fell out of his chair. He hit his head on the floor and landed in a tangled mess of arms and legs by the chair he was sitting in a minute easier. "Ouch." He muttered, Sirius looked over to see what was going on and burst into laughter almost immediately, which certainly didn't make James feel any better knowing now that he looked stupid to boot. He pulled himself together and propped himself back against the bottom of the chair, he put his face in his hands, his hair even messier now that usually from being rubbed on the carpet, it stuck up at even worse angles due to the static.  
  
Biting her lip to stop herself from laughing, Lily looked down at the floor where James now sat, hiding his face. This attempt was made very difficult as Sirius' laughter was a very contagious thing and forcing it away was a hard thing to do. "Um.. Are you okay?" she said, her eyes twinkling as she held back a giggle.  
  
James looked up at her, his eyes locked onto hers. She had asked if he was ok. He wasn't. He didn't want to admit that to her though. "No, I'm not." Wait a minute, what had he said? He had meant to say he was fine, why had he said he wasn't. Well he wasn't. Was that it? Could he not lie to Lily? It sure looked that was. He scrunched up his face, momentarily confused, looked over at Sirius who had doubled over on the couch in laughter, Remus who had joined him, and peter who was looking over at him pitifully. He sighed, looked back at Lily, his eyes glazing over slightly from the pain.  
  
Her eyes hardened for a moment, then she got to her feet and crossed the room to him. She didn't particularly like James, but she had been raised to be polite and that was how she would be. "Do you need the hospital wing?" Utterly detesting how nice she was being to him, but continuing to do it anyway.  
  
"No, I don't think I fell that hard. Thanks for the offer though." He was talking as he would to Sirius, or Remus, his usual, casual, I'm-just- another-nobody voice. He cracked his neck and tried to stand up, unsuccessful, he sat back in the chair. He wondered if she knew why he had fallen, he wasn't about to mention it. He rubbed his head slightly, and then smiled back up at Lily. He didn't say anything else, just sat back and closed his eyes.  
  
Sighing, she pursued the subject, noticing how much pain he appeared to be in. "Are you sure? You don't even want some air?" Gripping his arm, she helped him back into the chair, no longer feeling the urge to laugh at him.

"Air would be good." It was genuine; he hadn't even noticed the fact that it was lily helping him, really. He just wanted it to stop hurting. Every once of arrogance had faded; this was who he really was. This was James Potter, 15 years old, nobody special and hurting all over. He let her help him up and didn't look back when Sirius called out to him from where he was still laying over the couch.  
  
"Outside then? You think you can make it downstairs?" helping him stand, she eased him toward the portrait hole and helped him through it. Cursing her upbringing, she moved her arm around him to support his weight should he need her to.  
  
"Yea, "He muttered, noting for the first time how much she was hating this. "You don't have to come, if you don't want to, I'll be fine by myself." There was no sarcasm in his voice. He was being genuine for the first time in a long time. He cursed under his breath at the pain. Oh how Snape would love to see him now, hobbling along.  
  
"No, I'm coming with you. I might not like you, but I don't see the use in letting you fall down the stairs, either. Falling out of that chair was hardly like your normal graceful self, Potter." he genuinely seemed hurt, and she wasn't going to leave him by himself. She was nice like that.. occasionally.  
  
James groaned at her comment, but thanked her genuinely "Thank you." He wondered why she was doing this if she hated him so much. And why he had been so blind to see that she had. He took a deep breath and tried to straighten up, he couldn't, his back hurt too much. He managed to lift his arm enough to brush his hair off his face, it was starting to sting his eyes, scratching at them, he rubbed a hand over his face as well, to try and stop his eyes from watering.  
  
She nodded at his thanks and continued down the dimly lit corridor - the house elves clearly hadn't been to light all the torches here yet. Noticing his struggles at movement, she stopped and adjusted her grip on him. "Do you need to sit a moment?" she moved his hand away from his face with her free one so that she could look at him. "Really, you're looking pretty bad right now."  
  
"Never thought I'd live to see a day where I looked bad." James attempted to joke, but his heart wasn't in it and he didn't manage the full smile. He frowned again. "I'm sorry, that was arrogant. Lily, I shouldn't have dragged you down here. Really. I'm sorry." He did feel bad at making her go out of her way for something she didn't want to do. He wiped his eyes again. "I'll sit when we get outside, then you can go back up to the common room."  
  
Scowling at his attempted joke, she momentarily considered just dropping him where he was and go back to the common room. But, as they approached the marble stairs, she tightened her arm around his waist and helped him step down, silently accepting his apology. Once at the bottom, she paused a moment allowing him to rest.  
  
He regretted the joke the moment it left his lips. He couldn't take the awkward silences anymore; he had to find out what it was about him that she hated so much. He could understand if it was the arrogance, he could stop that, all it took was a fall off a chair, but if it was something else.. "Lily?" He asked, quietly. "Why do you dislike me so much?" He sounded like a scared little school boy, and he hated that but in truth, that's exactly what he was. He was a boy, he was at school... and he was scared.  
  
"Why do I dislike you? I don't dislike you, I dislike your ego, Potter." she said as she pushed the door open and started out onto the grounds. "Okay. Where are we going?" she noted the hints of fear in his voice and that was, perhaps, what kept her from telling him off. Again. He seemed to be genuinely worried about her response.  
  
His heart sank and he nodded dumbly. He didn't answer her question but wandered down toward the lake and sat sombrely beside it. As he sat, he pulled his legs up to his chest, crossed his arms over his knees and let his head fall into them, to hide the readily falling tears from Lily. Several thoughts ran through his head. His heart was racing. He didn't have any ego about him now, so why was she still being so cold, it couldn't possibly have been the thin layer of snow gracing the school grounds.  
  
Sighing, she drew her wand from inside her robes and followed him to the lake. She didn't intend to jinx him, but being armed was a good idea when one was going to be on the grounds in the middle of the night. Lily sat down by him and touched his arm to get his attention. "Hey are you okay?" He was much easier to get along with when he didn't think that the whole world revolved around him.  
  
"No." He mumbled incoherently and slightly unhappily. He couldn't ever remember being so lost, upset or unself-involved. He shivered, he only had a sloppy joe on and the night breeze was freezing. He tried to pull his legs closer to his body, it didn't do any good. He let out a sigh and a small cloud of condensation drifted up and disappeared into the crisp night air.  
  
She patted his arm, figuring he was just still hurting from falling off the chair. "I'm sure you'll live." it was cold and she hadn't picked up her cloak or anything, so she shivered in the cold night air, though she seemed to be handling the cold a bit better than James was. Yawning, she leaned back, supporting herself on her elbows and staring out over the lake.  
  
Normally James would have turned his head to watch her, but he kept his eyes closed and his head in his arms. He didn't want to tell her what was really bothering him, so he said nothing. His nose was becoming runny with the cold, and he sniffled, but stopped suddenly, not wanting Lily to think he was crying. Imagine if he went from her thinking he was an egotistical dickhead to a wuss. He couldn't stomach that. He just couldn't.  
  
"Potter, what are you doing?" she said, looking at him with a quizzical expression on her face. Reaching over to him, she tugged on his sleeve in an attempt to get him to turn around, but it failed. "Come on, Potter, I'm already out here with you. You may as well talk to me." Even Lily had to admit that it was awfully weird for James to not spend every second staring at her..  
  
James lifted his head, but he did not look at her. He dragged one of his arms across his face, wiping away the tears which hadn't yet fallen. He sniffed loudly. "I always thought everyone had a reason in life, a purpose, meaning. I don't. So why am I here?" He stared out over the lake. He didn't really seem to be talking to her, more to himself, only he'd chosen to do so out loud. He unwrapped his arms from his knees and leant back on his hands in the cold snow. She tilted her head and looked at him. Perhaps behind the ego there was a real person. "What on earth are you thinking? Why do you think you don't?" Moving a bit closer, she rubbed his back, comforting him. Judging by his face, he had been crying. "Come on. Talk to me Potter.."  
  
He sighed a little and the knot in his chest loosen. "Because the one person I care about most in the world wants... almost nothing to do with me." There. He'd told her how much he cared. It wasn't a little crush anymore, it wasn't some infatuation. He loved her. He knew he did. "What's the point of going on, without the person you love by your side?" He glanced a look at her, a very quick one he knew how red and puffy his eyes would be, it wasn't very often he let himself cry, but when he did it got the better of him.  
  
She had no idea what to say to that. No clue at all. What seemed the best thing to do at the moment was to rub his back and let him continue, staying silent herself. James Potter crying came as a bit of a shock to her and it was effecting her better judgement.  
  
He wiped at his eyes again, and bent his head back to look up at the night sky. It only then occurred to him where Lily's hand was on his back, and the knot moved from his chest to his stomach. He looked at her, not really expecting her to say anything, but wanting her to at the same time. His look wasn't one of longing, or infatuation, or lust, or anything that it had been previously. It was one of love.

* * *

If they continue the RP, I'll post the rest, or if anyone likes it, maybe one of them or yours truely will write another chapter. So, reviews welcome. Cheers, Sami. 


End file.
